If I Knew Then What I Know Now...

Every journey through "infertility" is different and ours was no exception. My husband, Marc and I met in high school, began dating in 1985, went to separate colleges with some bumpy roads in between and married in 1994. We had always told all of our family
and friends that we were not going to have children. Raising a child is a tremendous responsibility. We definitely did not rush, we were married almost 12 years before even thinking about having a child.

I elected to have the Nova Sure (endometrial uterine ablation) procedure in January 2004. Marc and I knew that this procedure would make it impossible for me to have a successful pregnancy under any circumstances. We both understood what this meant and accepted this fate. We still had no plans of having a child.

Then Valentine's Day evening, 2006 while we were out to dinner, Marc says, "I think I want to be a daddy." Well I looked at my watch then at him...and said "could you have told me this maybe 10 years ago?" Neither of us knew exactly what to say after and sat silently for a few minutes. Once things settled and I got over the shock, I was really excited. Although, I was also unsure of how we were going to proceed.

And so OUR journey to parenthood began...

We knew I could not have a successful pregnancy ... surrogacy was our only option, if we wanted to have our own/biological genetic child. We did a great deal of research regarding surrogacy, physicians and attorneys for a few months before contacting Dr.
Kreiner at East Coast Fertility, Plainview, NY. However, NYS is not surrogacy friendly, so we were encouraged to contact Melissa Brisman, ESQ. Ms. Brisman is well known in the field of reproductive law. She referred us to a clinic in CT.

Next, we elected to utilize a surrogate through Ms. Brisman's office. Surrogacy friendly states like CT have legal contracts written and signed by all parties. We were able to view "profiles of candidates" to work with us during this very important, life changing experience. Then we planned to have the retrieval(s) and transfer(s) done at the clinic
in Stamford, CT with the monitoring at East Coast Fertility.

Unfortunately, we went through three unsuccessful IVF cycles/transfers in June 2007, October 2007 and February 2008 utilizing two different surrogates.

We like most couples, at this point, began to think will this ever happen for us. Staying positive despite all the heart breaks...we began looking at profiles again with Melissa Brisman, ESQ, with a much clearer understanding of the process.

BUT...all along we were thinking there must have been a reason that the cycles were unsuccessful. Was it the medication and/or the timing that produced less viable eggs? Medically it was possible for me to produce viable eggs based on my age.

Then my mother calls me to say her very good friend of more than 30 years, her daughter, Carly, whom Marc and I had not seen since she was 7 years old...believed she could become a surrogate, but only wanted to work with someone she knew personally. Carly was now in her late 20's, married with two young boys and living in Orlando, FL. We decided to meet Carly and her husband Mother's Day weekend 2008 when they were in for a visit. Carly explained that she had two wonderful, healthy pregnancies and the thought
of helping us was unique and special. All parties felt an instant connection. Based on Carly's age and medical history we decided she was more qualified to be our surrogate.

To make a very long story short, we immediately contacted Dr. Kreiner with whom we had met with prior to the three unsuccessful IVF cycles at the CT clinic. We thought a new perspective would help, and he gave us wonderful feedback regarding a different
protocol. We agreed to move forward with Dr. Kreiner.

Next hurdle, NYS is not surrogacy friendly so there could be no legal contract like we had in CT. However, Carly was/is a family friend. She truly wanted to help Marc and I so we were able to have our attorneys show an agreement of intent, which allowed us to have all procedures including the birth take place in NYS.

Immediately, Dr. Kreiner believed that this different protocol would be more successful based on the shortcomings of my prior three IVF cycles. The combination of BRAVELLE, MENOPUR, Estrace and Ganirelix, including acupuncture for both myself and Carly, who
also utilized the ENDOMERTIN vaginal inserts, proved successful our first IVF cycle. We were able to transfer three viable embryos and freeze one embryo. We had amazing news this time. One very healthy pregnancy allowed us to have the most beautiful little girl.

She is more wonderful than we could have ever imagined. We had Jarah named for Marc's mother Joan. And every single day we are thankful to Dr. Kreiner and Carly for their encouragement, support and dedication. Jarah is so much fun, she lights up all our days and brings such joy and happiness to everyone.

Now to all those with infertility issues, please keep in mind there are always new, different and even better protocols / procedures being developed. Individual research after each IVF cycle is recorded and there are more options available on a monthly basis. If you have begun your journey recently or have been trying for some time...do
not give up. Keep trying...Miracles happen when you need and least expect them!

A quick side note...if you do need to utilize and work with a surrogate for whatever reason my personal recommendation is to have the transfer/retrieval done outside of NYS, in a surrogacy friendly state.

My attorney had been trying since Jarah's birth to have me named the" legal mother" on the birth certificate. Unfortunately, NYS does not recognize the genetic mother as the legal mother.

As a result, I will need to go through the full adoption process. Yes, I/we could have appealed the decision but to drag this through the courts when the money for legal fees can go to my daughter's future is absurd. I want my name on the birth certificate before she enters nursery school or kindergarten, not my friend's.

My husband, Marc was named as the birth/legal father on the birth certificate from the first week after Jarah was born. In the end the birth certificate is just a piece of paper and my daughter will know the true story of how our love, strength and determination enabled us to have her.

To me and those who know my case, having to adopt your own biological/genetic child can be viewed as a demeaning expectation of women, especially in today's highly advanced technological world.

There are many ways for families" to come to be" and traditional methods do not work for everyone, as we all know. It's the principle.

If I knew then what I know now... I would tell anyone who wants to have a baby that anything is possible if you do not give up and have "positive thinking." Set up a good support team if you do not have one already. Focus on other aspects of your life to get your mind off the disappointment . If you did not have a positive pregnancy there was a medical reason "why."

We watched all of our friends with and without fertility issues having babies...Make a Pact as a Couple:

1. Do not allow yourself to have animosity toward those who had absolutely no problem(s) getting pregnant.

2. If you are having fertility issues try not to avoid women, especially your friends, who are pregnant or with very young children. It hurts everyone...

Remember, most good things do not happen overnight. BUT... in the end it is totally worth the wait!

If it happened for us...anything is possible.

I wish everyone much success, health and happiness. Thank you for allowing me to share my story.

Elaine